like leather boy, you too are a dark and brooding personality with way too much skin exposure! you enjoy reveling in your coolness and getting angry at your parents because they don’t understand you. creative writing class is glad to have you cus your dark poetry is insanely good.

if you answered mostly D’s you are:
Arm-Fall-off-boy!

like arm fall off boy, you are a total weirdo but we all love you anyway. you have some strange talents that help make you a very fun person to be around and a great guy or girl to have at parties!

Oh stapler oh stapler

None in the land are stable-er

Oh stapler oh stapler, my love will never refrain.

You stab things.

For my personal gain.

Or you are a weapon.

Like that scene in Horton Hears a Who where the Who protagonist gets stapled in the face.

That was funny.

If you were homeless, I would give you all my money.

Not really. 

Cus your a fricking stapler.

But still.

The end.

Ok never mind we’re still doin this. 

Did you know that 2 dozen sheets of paper is called a quire? 

Not like the singing kind. 

That would be quite dire.

Imagine that.

“Gimme a quire of paper.”

Paper: “OOOOOOOHHHH!!!!!!!!! SAY, CAN YOU SEE!!!!! BY THE DAWNS-”

“Never mind I’ll just go now.”

Bet you didn’t know there isn’t such a thing as a male goose.

All geese are female.

You might be thinking that my views are a little obtuse.

But I assure you, I am right.

Goose is the term for a female. Males are ganders.

If a goose were a male, that would be a fright.

What’s your favorite std?

Like if you could have any std which would you choose.

Just tell me, leave a comment.

You got nothing to lose.

You could choose crabs.

Or  aids or chlamydia. 

Or perhaps gonorrhea!

So many! Don’t panic, don’t break out the margarita

that rhymes if you think about it.

im a poet and i didn’t even know-it!

ok the actual end now.

goodbye.

"O, laugh, laughers!
O, laugh out, laughers!
You who laugh with laughs, you who laugh it up laughishly
O, laugh out laugheringly
O, belaughable laughterhood - the laughter of laughering laughers!
O, unlaugh it outlaughingly, belaughering laughists!
Laughily, laughily,
Uplaugh, enlaugh, laughlings, laughlings
Laughlets, laughlets.
O, laugh, laughers!
O, laugh out, laughers!"
-Velimir Khlebnikov

I know this post is already a monster, its huge. but it needs some explaining due to the fact that it is my favorite chapter of a very lengthy story i have been writing. i have only posted the first few chapters. this event occurs pretty far into the plot when Cage Cabell, Ilene and Rocky go out to find a mysterious man known as Lune who may be able to help them, alongside cages sword of legend, saxridgoqab, fight the rising power of an ancient deity. but they are soon confronted by the threat of notoriously fierce and evil creatures known as whitenings. (another thing, i have been told whiteling sounds like kind of a racial name to describe someone who is like, i dunno, me. but its not its just they are very pale bony creatures. ok im done now finally, please read thank you 🙂 )

The silence was deafening, the forest appeared old, the trees scattered about like a broken rib cage. They stood weekly. a paled bark color shadowed by layers of leaves. If there were any birds, then they kept to themselves in silence. Perhaps they knew something we didn’t.

Ilene frowned sheathing her sword.

“…..maybe i was mistaken.”

Rocky hesitantly lowered his golf club as well.

“You sure?”

She nodded. “Yes. I think.”

Something slithered into the darkness from the trees. Like the end of a tail.

i quietly stammered, “G-guys i think i saw something-”

A shrill inhuman scream tore through my ears and a 12 foot long animal pounced into Ilene, the sheer velocity of the beast sent them tumbling through the air for 20 feet before the beast landed atop her.

It howled raising a set of claws to finish her off before being struck in the eye by Rocky’s golf club.

It turned to see Rocky practically yelling his beard off.

“GET YOUR WRINKLY @$$ HANDS AWAY FROM US!!!” He smacked the whiteling yet again and it looked at him with confusion. 

It finally came to the conclusion that Rocky WAS in fact trying to do harm and it opened its mouth in a ferocious shriek.

Rocky seized his opportunity and hit a golf ball into the roof of its mouth. The blow knocked a few teeth out, which lined the entire roof of its mouth in endless rows of razor sharp fangs. The whiteling was fed up with being bullied by a golf club wielding smurf and climbed off of Ilene to engage him, Ilene laid on the floor unconscious. The force of having the whiteling slam into her must have been enough to knock her out. That’ll really give you a sense of our odds here. I drew my sword and the whiteling stopped in its tracks. it had sensed the unsheathing of saxridgeocab. It howled furiously and turned on a dime running at me. The sword burst in flames and i swung as hard as i could. Flames swept over its skin but with little effect and i felt its bulky palm slam me to the floor. It roared right into my face triumphantly. As if mocking: Get up! I’ll put you down again. Try and fight! I dare you.

I hate people like that.

I slammed the hilt of my sword into its eye, then brought the blade down into its hand, its bone-like armor cracked as the sword bounced off of it, at least i had done something. It growled, side stepping away from the sword, its tail simultaneously whipping Rocky into a tree.

He screamed like a dying goat, which to be honest fit his personality perfectly.

The whiteling lowered its head like a cat about to lunge, arching its bony yet muscular back. its spine protruded as if its flesh were wrapped too tightly around its bones. The whiteling lunged faster than i had ever seen it move…perhaps it had simply been toying with us up until this point. Either way, it took Ilene’s arm in its jaws, her body trailed behind without consciousness, id never seen so much spite, so much hatred in an animal before…. Rage boiled up in me, so much harm ….so much bloodshed… 

The swords fire disappeared.

“Gee thanks saxridgoqab, that’s really helpful.” I growled. I could barely manage to say anything other than “AGGGHHH MY LIFE IS OVER” and sob uncontrollably.

As if in answer icy white flames flooded over the blade. They weren’t hot or cold, they were simply there. I ran and swung it at the whiteling only to feel it clang against its giant bone armored forearm. The whiteling let ilene tumble to the floor, it seemed genuinely annoyed that i hadn’t given up yet.

And Ilene…. her right arm was barely still attached to her body, like a child’s baby tooth being held only by a little thread of flesh. My Anger boiled over the pot inside me, There was something in the whitelings eyes…. Perhaps it was rage. Hatred, or maybe nothing, simply the absence of any love or kindness at all. I swung the sword clashing with its bony armor again. Then again, and again, i had never been so infuriated; not since Marcella and my father were killed. Rocky’s unconscious body was strewn haphazardly on the dirt floor, he had never shown any vulnerability. Not until he had to risk his life for his friends. And Ilene, she didn’t even know what hit her. Maybe she had at least been happy we chose to take her side in finding Lune…until now. And now she might be dead. I screamed with rage, with vengeance for my fallen friends and family, I swung at its head with everything i had. Icy white flames trailed the strike and blade met bone with a crack that shook the forest to its knees. I felt every wisp of air that had been forced from the impact, as if time itself had slowed to take a look. The blade smashed through bone, shattered through skull and flesh, then kept going. I felt it swing into the earth and embed itself 7 inches in solid rock with a power i know for a fact didn’t come from my very average muscles. The whitelings body evaporated in a mist of white dust. No blood, no sign it was ever there. Just me and my 2 friends…

Another growl came from behind me, I turned to see a whitelings gaping maw of teeth 7 feet away, another was 16 feet away, a third one 40 or so but gaining fast. I glanced at Rocky and Ilene…. If they had been alive after the first whiteling…..they were definitely dead by now. Tears came to my eyes. I-I barely even remember. It was a blur. whiteling skulls shattered like glass at the touch of sakridgoqab. I remember feeling no control, simply spinning about swinging my sword. if i could just protect them a little longer, i thought to myself weakly. But more whitelings came. Too many…

oh and give me lots of likes to boost my self esteem and for bragging rights.

evolution happens through small changes right? but like, how did we get birds?

like we start with the single celled fish. then it becomes the multi-many-much celled fish. then the fish’s fins turn to legs and the fish starts climbing trees and all the sudden BAM WE’RE FLYIN BOYS!!!!!

like how do you just evolve wings? i thought stuff evolved because of subtle changes that gave the animal an advantage.

like, this fish had a slighter better tail for swimming.

or, this monkey had slightly longer fingernails for opening bananas.

and this weird beaked thingy had slightly more frickin pairs of wings so that it could yeet itself through the skies.

that’s weird!

of course, some birds evolved into other things. like how some ducks saw a beaver and were like “that’s cool” and now we have platypus’s.

that’s how evolution works sometimes maybe perhaps. animals see something and wanna be like it, so through hard work and lots of believing in themselves they become it. like when horses saw industrial cranes and became giraffes.

or like when birds saw bowling pins and became penguins.

or like when blob fish saw politicians and became Donald Trump.

nature is marvelous isn’t it?

before we begin, this post in itself has totally compromised my cover and anyone who attended school at the day the basketball game took place now knows my identity.

i kindly ask those people to refrain from spilling the secret or i will be forced to do unpleasant things to you.

kidding.

mostly (insert dramatic music que)

The blazing ball of fire and gas failed to illuminate. It was too moist to participate in child activities. So together we parked ourselves in the domain all that refrigerating refrigerating moist Daytime.

I parked myself with sally.

We parked ourselves there, we couple.

And I spoke to her  “how i lust together we had a thing to participate!”

Too moist to enter outside and too refrigerating to participate in the tossing of spherical object.”

So we parked ourselves in the domain. We participated in absence of activity at all.

So everything we could participate in was to 

Park ourselves! Park ourselves! Park ourselves! Park ourselves!
And we did not enjoy this thing. Not a single minuscule bit.

And suddenly a thing went “crash”

How that crash made us leap into the air.

We visualized! And then we witnessed the male place a foot in on the fabric woven square of foot-stepping.

We visualized! And we witnessed the male! The feline adorned in headwear!

And he spoke to us “for what reason do you park yourselves upon that place in this manner?”

“I have knowledge it is moist and the fiery ball of gas is not illuminating. But we are able to have a large numerical amount of morally correct fun that is humorous!” 

“I have knowledge of a few morally correct activities we could participate in in a childlike manner.” spoke the feline.

“I have knowledge of a few improvised cozenages” spoke the feline adorned in headwear.

“A large numerical number of morally correct cozenages. I will demonstrate them for you. Your female parental matriarch will not punctiliously care if i perform.”

Then Sally and myself did not have knowledge of what to utter. Our female parental matriarch was away from the domain for the remaining 24 hours.

But our Osteichthyes spoke “Nay! Nay! Force that feline to exit! Lecture that feline adorned in headwear you do not lust to participate in childlike activities! This male should not be in the process of existing in this location. This male should not be abroad. This male should not be existing in this location in the time period in which your female parental matriarch is away from this location!”

“Currently currently! Have zero amounts of fuss.” spoke the feline.
“My cozenages are not morally unjust.” spoke the feline adorned in headwear. 

“Why, together we are capable of possessing a large numerical amount of morally correct rejoicings. If you lust, with a game that i name vertical-vertical-vertical with a Osteichthyes.”

“Place me vertically descent!” spoke the Osteichthyes. 

“This is no joy in any amount! Place me vertically descent!”

Spoke the Osteichthyes . “I do not lust to be taken by gravity into descent!”

“Have zero amounts of fuss!” spoke the feline.
“I will not allow you to be taken by gravity into descent. I will clutch you vertically at large height as I erect myself atop a spherical object. With a book clenched inside my collection of phalanges! And a liquid holding bowl atop my headwear.  But that is not everything I am capable of demonstrating!” spoke the feline.
“Witness myself! Witness myself at this moment!” spoke the feline.
“With a liquid holding bowl and a cake resting atop my headwear! I am capable of holding at limit a single couple of novels! I can clench upward the Osteichthyes and a minuscule play thing buoyant vehicle! And some milk on a platter for containing liquid! And witness! I can vertically apply velocity to myself vertically upward and vertically downward atop a spherical object! But that is not everything! Oh nay, that is not everything…

The boy stood in the back of the crowd, popping up on the tips of his toes to try and see over the crowd. 

“He goes in for the punch but ooh!!!” the announcer commentates, watching as one of the fighters’ body-slammed the other to the floor. The entire building shook from the force. 

You see, these were no mere wrestling matches. Heck, they weren’t even gladiator games. They were much more dangerous than that. 

The matches were won by popularity, the more the fighter pleased the vip viewers, the more strength they received. You may be wondering how this happens, frankly scientists aren’t sure about it either. But all people knew was that strength, stamina, and other attributes, could be gifted to the fighters by sheer willpower. Only a few people knew HOW to obtain this willpower however…and those who did seldom used it for good, only minor donations of 10% or maybe a 20% boost to your health or metabolism if you’re lucky. Most of their donations were put towards the games.

“Oh, we seem to have an anonymous donation from the VIP section!” said an announcer. The crowd cheered in excitement as the body-slammed fighters muscles doubled in size. He roared like a beast and hefted the man over his head then threw him to the ground with enough force to crack the floor. The crowd went wild.

“Lemme see! Lemme see!” the boy said trying to see above the cheering fans. He only saw snippets of the action: fists rising in the air then raining down on their poor opponent followed by wild cheers and shouts. 

“I don’t think he’s gonna recover from a beatdown like this, Brad!” the announcer said.

“Don’t be so sure, we have an incoming donation from our sponsor, Mr.Aeron himself!” 

Multi colored spotlights weaved figure eights on the stage. Their light ignited the smoke that was pumped from smoke machines to enhance the excitement. 

The formerly pummeled man suddenly grew to 12 feet high, towering over his opponent like a skyscraper. His biceps were now as thick as a normal man’s waist. 

The boys eyes widened. 

“Run!” he shouted, but the poor 7 foot fighter didn’t hear him over the roar of the crowd. And even if he did, he didn’t listen. He mustered his strength and punched his larger opponent square in the stomach. 

The guy didn’t budge. He just grinned down at the man for a second, then literally and gruesomely punched his head off. 

His neck snapped back and his entire body was flung back 20 feet. His head tore off with ease and flew out into the audience butt naked where a “lucky” viewer caught it as if it were a baseball at a baseball game. 

“I caught it! I caught it!” the guy shouted happily.

The 12 foot man raised his arms in victory forming a “Y” shape. He walked around the stage to take in the applause. 

A few special doctors ran over to the decapitated head and began channeling healing donations. 

It wasn’t enough. Though the boy could make out a new body growing out from the head, nobody could seem to bring him back to life.
    “What a shame… it seems fighter number 1 didn’t make it.”

“It does happen from time to time, doesn’t it, charles?”
    “Indeed brad. Indeed.”

The boy was absolutely horrified. 

“no….no….NO!!!!” he ran to the man, the doctors tried to stop him but they were drained from donating him health.
    “Stop! He can still make it!!!” the boy cried.

“It’s alright little guy… it was just his time…” they chided.

The boy screamed, screamed harder than he ever had. Put more heart into it than he ever had. And in that instant, he felt something leave him. Some part of his being he hadnt felt until it was gone. It felt like he had taken out his own heart. 

The man suddenly gasped for breath.

“Get back! I need some water and antiseptics, stat!” 

Doctors and astonished fans crowded around. The boy stumbled away aimlessly, then collapsed. His vision blurred, his hearing dissipated until the only noise was the weak pounding of his heart in his chest. Then everything went black.

The boy woke with a multitude of life support machines hooked up to him. The walls were so white that they hurt his eyes. It hurt them almost as much as the blindingly bright lights overhead. He tried to shield his eyes with his hand but discovered he was too weak to do so. He simply groaned and closed them.

“Good morning.” a voice who he assumed was his doctor, said. 

It was a calm and welcoming voice. Not like the gruffy gangsters he had come to know on the streets. 

“How are you doing?”

“Ugh.” he groaned in response.

“Well, since you’re awake, someone is here to see you.”

He thought for a moment. Who would come to see him? Certainly not his parents. They wouldn’t care. Who could it be then?
He found the strength to look up and viewed a girl about his age. So roughly 13.
    “Hi?” he managed to croak out.
    “You don’t recognize me do you?” 

He shook his head weakly.

She smiled

“I’m the fighter you saved.” 

The boy thought he was hallucinating.
    “But your-”

“Not a huge man? Yeah, I only look like that from the strength and testosterone donations. They all fade a few hours after the fight.”
    “Oh.”

She rubbed her arm nervously.
    “I felt bad that you like… got hospitalized. But, thanks for the donation. You saved my life.”
    “No problem.”

She smiled
    “You’re a moron. What’s your name?”

“Bryan.”

“Cool. I want you there next month.”

“What? Where?” he asked confusedly.
    “At my game.” she slid a VIP ticket next to his hand. He looked at it with astonishment.
    “This is worth thousands!!!” he said, visibly baffled.

“Then you better not lose it” she smirked, then walked out.

nice to see you again humilty.

hows it hangin?

no? ok.

i dont need you anyways.

aye! kindness! you wanna-

oh. ok.

cya later.

loser.

hello confidence,

do you wanna get a drink sometime?

oh, you have plans?

i was just joking about that. i um…. yeah……… nvm………..

hey! optimism! we gotta stay in touch amiright?

wait, what do you mean you dont want to?

screw you. life sucks anyway.

laughter! buddy, you never let me down.

oh…..

very well.

life, you got some lemons for me?

i dont want any-

…..ok.

who knew life had an infinite supply of lemons? who knew laughter wasnt always reliable. who knew optimism could get depressed? who knew confidence might bail out sometimes? who knew kindness could be a jerk? who knew humility was above you?

i geuss i do now. so do you. theyve ditched us all from time to time. but what they dont tell you, is that sometimes you get more lemons than you can carry, more lemons than that can even fit in the lemonade cup. so sometimes you just gotta let em all go.