this honestly isn’t even really a post so much as something i did because i felt like it. this is seriously low quality work right here but read it anyway because its short and entertaining i hope.

why do we have puns? ill tell you why. its because we needed a way to establish a fine line between funny people and my boring paleontologist uncle Steve. granted, that’s not the best way to phrase that, but you punderstand what i mean.

ive decided to go ahead and un-pun half of all puns. in fact, while im at it im going to ruin half of all lame jokes as well. call me, pun-os

lets begin.

“why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?”
“Because the P is silent!“
” because they’re all dead.”

“what lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?”
“A nervous wreck”
“a crab that is prone to seizures.”

i wont kill all of them, so here are the survivors.

“I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.”

“I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches, but then I realized it would be a waist of time.”

don’t you feel better now knowing that half of all puns are gone? So do I.

this is a new blog segment i plan on doing weekly if it goes well. basically its just cool stuff i find or weird stuff i find that i will complain and make fun of. oh and ill toss in some stuff that goes on in my life but don’t expect too much of that unless its something big like i am adopted by the queen of England.

Anyway! News! Woohoo. What’s new around here…. Oh! 

So I was playin around on those personality tests on the internet ya know? But some of them it’s like…..do we really care?
“Take the test! Find out what kind of laundry detergent you are!”

Like what? Why would I- NO.

“Click now and see what kind of grass your children will have!”

Da fudge!? How are you even gonna figure that out!?

“Take the test! Find out which kardashian you are!”

No thanks, I hate myself enough already. 

But one did catch my eye. It wasn’t like golden but i was curious.

“Find out which sci-fi robot you are!”

So I click into the site, and guess what pops up?

How ironic is that!
“But I am a robot! AND I’M GONNA FIGURE OUT WHICH KIND GOSH DARN IT!!!”

Like maybe that was just the first quiz question?

“Check the box to prove you aren’t a robot”

“…ok….-checks box-”

“Test results in, your sci-fi robot type is: none. You are not a robot. Just a very sad little man.”
“Gosh darn it! That’s the third time today! Why’s it gotta be so accurate?”

Another thing i learned, we all know the movie Stuart Little right? Well, turns out, stewart little isnt a mouse. He is actually a human baby that was born looking just like a mouse. 

That

Is absolutely

Terripulsitizing. (repulsive+terrifying+traumatizing.)

That’s like if we found out that ET was just some delusional grandma escaped from her retirement home. Or like if that girl Luke kissed in star wars was like his sister or something! Hahaha! If that happened I think I might throw myself in front of a train! Hahaha!

There is another way to experience the feeling of learning this, what you do is you go to the movie theater

And put your childhood innocence in the trash.

Then pay the theater 20 bucks. 

What other news do I have…. Oh! My freshman and most of my sophomore year I have done an experiment. The experiment was to not ever get a girlfriend no matter how hard i try.

Success!!!! 😀

This concludes Chris hemsworth it: news and stuff.

I used to have a child education class. Why would I do that? Well because I want to be a professional mom when I grow up, obviously. Kidding, I couldn’t be a mom. Heck, I couldn’t even give birth. Mostly because I’m a man. but still! I’ve had a kidney stone though, so basically i gave birth to a baby if by baby you mean lifeless rock.

 I switched out of the class. Granted, I was kidding about the mom and kidney stone thing. Mostly. But still I actually and genuinely enjoy children.  (ya hear that ladies? I am husband material!!!) but I just didn’t really get to see them a lot. And when i wasn’t in here with them, we literally did nothing except sit there and listen to the group of valley girls in the corner talking about really “interesting” things like all the different nail colors Kim Kardashian uses on the weekend. Wow, could I BE more intrigued?
(the answer is yes. A million times yes.)

 I’m gonna miss the kids though. They were cute.
One time, there was this kid who brought a little stuffed dog and I was like “what’s his name?” and he said “Dork.”
“Dork?” i asked

He looked at me like I was trying to eat cake with a straw. 

“No,” he corrected. “It’s Dork”

“Dork?”
“NO!!! HIS NAME IS DORK DARN IT!!!!”
“Ok listen here you little shiz-” (kidding, i didn’t say that. I simply tossed him through the window. Kidding again. mostly.)
“Oh. that’s a cool name.”

The kids mom steps in to clarify.

“He means Duke”

“Oooooooooh.”

“Yes! Dork!” the kid said squeezing his little stuffed canine.
    In this class, we do not watch the kids alone, no no. if we did then i would have found a way to accidentally collapse the ceiling on top of them some way or another. Instead, (thank gosh) we had co-teachers to help us.

“What do you do with Duke?” my co-teacher asked.

The kid beamed.

“He is a real dog! He does real dog things!” 

“Wow, like what?”

“Well, like a normal dog, duke plays fetch, licks things, and can fly.”

“He can fly?” my co teacher asks.

“Yes! Like batman!”

“I didn’t know normal dogs could do that.”

“What you never seen a dog just yeeting itself through the stratosphere before?” I added sarcastically.
The co teacher rolled her eyes.
“Show us! :D”
“Ok!” the kid said before promptly yeeting his dog into the ceiling and dumping us with ceiling dust.

“Wow that’s awesome.” I said trying to be supportive.

“Normal dogs do that?”

I looked at her “of course! Do you not use your dogs to clean the ceiling?”
“Nope.”
“Or it paints the ceiling. Depends on how hard you throw them.” 

(thank goodness the kid didn’t understand that lol)

My co-teacher ignored me and knelt down next to the kid. 

“Can duke run fast?”
The kid grinned from ear to ear.
“Yes! He is as fast as flashing people!”

“WHAT!?”

The kids mom walked back in to clarify.
“He means The Flash.”

“Ooooooh, do ya wanna show me how fast he can run, little guy?”
The kid exclaimed “sure!” and then set down the dog and started running in a circle a few times before face planting into the carpet.

“Wow your fast. BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT I ASKED WAS IT!?!?” (kidding, i’m not THAT bad of a person.)

He was adorable. Stupid, but adorable. Kids are just great. After that, we brought out a bunch of little animal toys for them to play with. But like the saying goes: “kids have the brains of a lifeless rock.” (people say it trust me. maybe.)

We brought out a bunch of little animal toys for them to play with. They all had the same game. They’d bring me like 7 of the same animal and be like “whats this one?”
“That’s a whale.”

“Oh. and what’s this one?”

“That’s also a whale.”

“Oh. What about this one?” he says holding up the one he started with.

“Still a whale.”
“What about this one?”

“That’s a sea lamprey” I say sarcastically.

“IT’S A SEAL LAMP!? .0.”

“No… it’s a whale.”

ok, so basically i would like to talk to you about birds.

usually i try and brainstorm for an idea then i sort of mentally plan it out.

we aint doin that shiz today. this is 100% improvised from my basement at like midnight.

i like to think of birds as the instruments of nature. i also like to think of them as the dive bombers of nature. i also think of them as “the crazy guy sitting on a frickin telephone wire and not getting electrocuted” of nature.

if you ever play tennis with someone lazy enough to forget their birdie and they ask if you have any to play with, then i think its ethically ok to randomly whip out their pet bird Michael and play with that instead.

kidding, you should never do that. unless they ever recite baby shark. anything is fair game in that scenario.

i do have a confession to make regarding birds. i have….a secret superpower. i can levitate birds.

if you like ever see a bird, like….yeeting itself through the sky like an airplane on crack, that’s me. sometimes it just happens. i cant control it. ill be sitting there with a bird that is crawling around like god intended when suddenly WOOSH! the bird is yeeted into the sky.

i have a strange way with words. like how instead of using the word “flew” and keeping it brief and sane, ill replace it with something autistic like “DA BIRD PROCEEDED TO YEET ITSELF THROUGH THE FRICKIN SKY LIKE A DRUNK HONEYBEE!!!”

i think it would be absolutely hilarious to see a bird get drunk. they’ll be all tipsy when they fly through the air like when you spin someone around really fast in a chair then tell them to go do some coordinated shiz like tight-rope-walking across the grand canyon. even their tweets will be crazy. maybe even more crazy than our presidents tweets.

theyll wake up in the morning hungover and be like “twitter tweet tweeeeeeetttt (this roughly translates to “someone kill me now”)
“caw caw cawwww tweet tweeeeeet” (“i feel like my chest was used as a wrestling mat for 2 African elephants”)

“tweet! tweeeet tweet tweeeet caw caw cawww tweet cockadoodledoo! tweet tweet tweet tweeeeettt tweeet tweet caw caw caw tweet twitter twitter tweet tweeeeet!!” (“ouch.”)

intro! ok. Man, where do i even start? um, my name is Chris hemsworth. but you can just call me incredibly handsome movie star if that’s easier.

your probably realizing that im not actually Chris hemsworth by this point. if you haven’t, well ill tell you right now. im not actually Chris hemsworth. so why would i choose a name like this?
well, let me level with you for a second. I’ve made a lot of posts that are pretty lighthearted and comedy-relief-ish, but this is gonna be sort of serious.

I live by 4 things.

charity, hope, love, and laughter. why laughter you may ask? well, a long time ago i remember being in a class. the teacher seemed to hate all of us, and in turn we hated the class. but i remember cracking a joke, the class laughed. it wasn’t even my joke. i was like 7 and i recited some witty line from Calvin and Hobbes. but it was that feeling that hit home for me. i had found a way to bring joy into a place where joy was killed on sight. i had stood up to boredom and stress and anxiety, and just laughed. and so did everyone else. it was that day i realized that i wanted to do that the rest of my life.
no, i am not going to be a professional stand-up-there-and-recite-Calvin-and-Hobbes-quotes-person. but i do hope that every day, i can make someone laugh. or maybe even just smile. cus if i can do that, than i know i made their day a little better and hopefully a little less stressful.
as for me, i would not do this if it was just for others cus i am after all a selfish pile of dumb 🙂

that might be exaggerated. but the other reason i live this way, is that i realized something long ago. learn to laugh at life, and you’ll be able to laugh at any problem. I’ve lived that way since… like literally a lot of time. you see, you cant hear the world laughing at you if your laughing harder. you don’t have to audibly laugh, but you can step back and say. “heh, this whole situation actually isn’t sad so much as it is ridiculous.”

its a strange thing im telling you isn’t it? not the usual stuff you hear. for example, people saying that their ideas aren’t what your usually used to hearing and then talking about positivity as if it was their discovery all along 🙂
im not dissing those people by the way. im just saying they suck. (kidding again)

i do like to throw humor around like its a party favor/death sentence so don’t be surprised. i do this because i understand it and like to use it to my advantage. heck i literally spent 2 years researching the scientific formula behind laughter (and there is one, i might explain it later)
anyway where was i going with this?
right! charity, hope, love, laughter. hope you aren’t weirded out/bored by this. have a good day, don’t forget that YOU, dear reader, are awesome in your own way. peace out.

“Cage! Cage!!!” I opened my eyes, my eyelids felt about as heavy as an african elephant. I mumbled something real heroic like:

“Uh huh… wuh?…”

“Hurry! He’s dying!” a blur of a woman scrambled frantically in the background.

“I’m trying my best! Cut wounds i can deal with- but… how does someone start fire to their own soul anyway?!”

I looked up.

“He did what? That little fool… oh wait, he’s me! Heh heh!” I fell back down about as loopy as a hungover sloth.

“Cage don’t waste your energy. you tapped into your life force… you killed a dragon.”

he said before pursing his lips with worry.

I started to remember what happened, tiny fragments of a much larger and terrifying memory. I shook my head slowly in unbelief. But there was one thing particularly heavy on my mind.

“Did that woman make it out ok?”

He looked at me quizzically

“Woman? What woman?”

Suddenly Ryans so-called “not my girlfriend” walked back over with a drink the same color and thickness as tar.

“What’s that? A liquified penguin!?”

She ignored me.

“Drink this.

“Ill pass.”

“Drink it” Ryan warned.

“I’m not gonna drink it!”

“DRINK IT!”

I drank it.

It tasted like an old man’s foot, but I did feel better. Ryan Apparently didn’t care enough to stay cuz he walked away. Lena walked over, her eyes locked on the floor.

“I um…I forgot to- I just thought….” She sighed, looking up at me with a solemn smile. “That was really brave…. It was moronic and you are a total buffoon but brave nonetheless”

“I guess…” I didn’t really think of it as brave myself. I just floundered like a moron for a few minutes before getting lucky and then passing out. She must’ve seen the uncertainty in my eyes, she scooted closer. 

But like, nothing weird. She’s still Ryans not-girlfriend. If anything…..it made me feel like the old days….I wondered if this is how my little sister felt when i was there to comfort her. Looking up at someone older than you who wasn’t telling you what to do for once.

Sorta like the anti-Ryan. I caught myself staring off where Ryan had walked off to.

“you know… Ryan Acts tough and edgy… but he’s actually a big sweetheart” she smiled. I pondered this for a moment. I came to the conclusion that anything that ludicrous had to be a joke. She couldn’t be serious! Except she seemed really serious. I laughed aloud.

“Ryan? As in Ryan Cabell? A sweetheart! You sure about that?”

“Yeah… but you don’t know the full story-” she didn’t have time to finish. Ryan Walked back over with some water and a sandwich 

“Here, i got you… these, it gets rid of the taste of ‘liquid penguin’” he said quietly. 

I drank and ate. he was right. The taste immediately started to disappear. thats when the largest fragment of memory hit.

“Wait- where’s saxri- saxrij… WHERES THE SWORD!?” I asked in a panic, their eyes widened in unison.

“You don’t have it!?”

The memory hit me like a semi truck. Ironically thats basically what happened in my memory except replace “semi truck” with “big jerk face lizard thing”.

“Uuuuuh…. It’s a funny story really-”

Ryan Glared at me.

“I kind of… lost it.” I squeeked.

I thought they were really gonna let me have it: turn me into a liquified penguin or something, make me a little puddle of Cage on the floor. But Lena just held her temples with stress, pacing around the floor.
    “No no no no no…not again…” 

I tried to cheer her up.
    “It’ll be fine, it just went somewhere in that alley over there, I doubt anybody took it.” she didn’t answer. Ryans brow furrowed.

“Cage you don’t understand, that’s not an alley.” Ryan Said.

“Sure it is! Just look at the thrown out newspapers. Wake up and smell the homelessness guys.” he stood next to me and pointed at the alley.

“See that homeless person over there?”

“Yeah, he has that sort of ‘been hit repeatedly in the face with a frying pan’ look.”

“Har har, that’s no homeless person. That’s a rat.”

“What are you saying?”
    “Cage that paradoxal alley, to the people who live in there, you’re the size of a common mouse. And the people and um….rodents and whatnot, are the size of…” 

 I mouthed a silent “oh.”

“Even with our weaponry we would basically be coming at them with thumb tacks.” Ryan Said grimmly. 

“Oh….” being a little puddle of Cage on the floor suddenly became a real possibility, holy shiz thats scary.

An unsettling silence fell.

Suddenly something struck me. (not literally this time, yay for me.)

“So, the people in there…. They’re pretty darn big right?”

“No Cage their the size of tic tacs- YEAH THEIR BIG.”

‘Well, I remember when I was a kid and my ball rolled under the couch-”

“Cage how the heck does that apply to anything.”

“Wait, i think i know what he’s saying.” she spoke up.

Ryan Raised an eyebrow.

“If we can lure them out here… just for a little bit, no way will they be able to chase us down with all these buildings around-”

“…And we sneak in and get the sword…” Ryan Pondered this for a moment.

“I guess we don’t have any other options do we?”

“Wait- we’re doing my plan?” I asked excitedly.

“Yes…”

“WOO HOO!!! LOOK HOW SMART I AM!” I said doing the macarena for some reason.

“So if we are going to do this, one of us will need to play the ball of the situation. we are gonna need somebody really needy and nerve racking, somebody who never… stops… talking…” Ryan And Lena turned to me.

“Wait, what are you- I can’t talk to them!”

“Sure you can, just be yourself and i’m sure they’ll hate you” Ryan Said encouragingly.

“But-”

“Cage, i have a really…I have a really hot sister i could set you up with if you go.”

 I suddenly decided I was very enthusiastic about doing the deed.

So I slowly crept over to the alley, I already felt about the size of an ant before i even made it. I stopped and stared into the abyss. I made the final step into the alley trying to convince myself I’d be alright.

“Cmon Cage…do it for the hot sisters….”

“hello?” I whimpered into the alley. No response. I cleared my throat nervously.

“Hello?” I said louder.

Massive footsteps approached.

I looked up, and to my surprise I saw a business man about the size of a skyscraper.

“Sorry, did you make an appointment?”

“….no i, um…i left something” he nodded.

“If your the fanny pack guy i’m sorry but we threw that out months ago.”

I tried to remember what I was doing.

“I mean, i’m with the…. Um…” my mind raced and the giant businessman stared at me quizzically.

“I’m here with Judy Edwards, the inventor of the Squatty Potty.”

“Oh! Great! we’ve been waiting to meet with her for weeks! Where is she?”

“Um, outside. If you’d just follow me-”

“To the midget streets? No way! Them people are mighty tiny! Why, i heard a good joke about them little folk the other day-” he looked down at me.

“Oh, right… heh heh, sorry.” he cleared his throat.

“In all seriousness, when will she be coming in?”

“No! I really must insist that you come outside to meet her ” i stammered “… she tripped on a squatty potty and can’t get up.”

“…then why didn’t you help her?”

“-And then she fell down a manhole! she needs your help to get out.”

He paused for a moment. 

“Say, is Judy recovering well from her car accident? With the wheelchair and everything?”

“Um…. she’s doing fine….i tried to wheel her in here-”

“I see…well…” he leaned in.

“You really must think i’m stupid dontcha?…Judy Edwards wasn’t in a car accident. She isn’t in a wheelchair, and you made a big mistake coming here.”

It was at this point I turned and ran for my life. I was only a few yards away when suddenly a giant hand plucked me from the ground like a fallen grape.

“Let me go!”

 the man chuckled.

“Hire security they said, it’ll only take 2% off your paycheck they said. I say who needs security anyway? All we ever get are you little people.”

“Yeah well your just-” i looked down and faked a surprised look.

“Oh my gosh your about to step on a giant lego!”

“What!?” anybody who has stepped on a lego before would have reacted the same way: he jumped up flinging his arms in the air like a madman trying to watch his step. Amidst the chaos I escaped his grasp and tumbled to the floor.

His brow furrowed.

“WHY YOU LITTLE-” he lunged at me, he was angry and becoming sloppy, I narrowly dodged him. 

“Man, your gullible. And ugly too. Also why the heck would you guys wanna talk to Judy Edwards anyway? It’s a freaking squatty potty not a time machine.” I said mocking him and dodging his efforts to grab me. I started backing towards the door, not enough for him to see what i was doing, but just enough for him to keep coming at me.

“IT’S AN INNOVATION TO MODERN RESTROOMS YOU UNGRATEFUL BRAT!!!”

I was running out of insults, so i flipped him a few very recognizable hand gestures.

“AAAGGGHHH” he dove after me: right into the normal dimension.

He face planted into the road, sending chunks of gravel and dust everywhere. he started grumbling something about paychecks before being struck in the face by an oncoming taxi. 

“AGH! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!!!!” he howled with rage and looked around for me. I quickly ducked behind a dumpster.

“Where did you go!?” he said hefting up a semi truck checking to see if i was underneath.

I breathed heavily wondering where Ryan And Lena were.

 I felt a tap on the shoulder and I nearly jumped out of my skin.

“Hey! Chillax, we got the sword.” Ryan Said revealing Saxrijoqab. its blade glimmered faintly, illuminating the shadow cast from the dumpster.

“cool, But how do we deal with Mr. Monopoly man?”

“….” Ryan Handed me the sword. “The hunter becomes the hunted.”

“I can’t fight him!”

“Sure you can. Even if you don’t win, he knows what the sword can do. He won’t want to risk a full fledged battle.” he coughed. “most likely.”

I growled.

“We need to get him back in there….if we don’t he might destroy the entire city looking for you” Lena said worriedly. I sighed.

             “Fine… but Lena is gonna owe me a bunch of hot sisters.”

I jumped out from the dumpster, the sword flaming in my hands.

“Yo trumpty dumpty!” i shouted. he turned to me. he instantly cracked a smile.

“What, you think your gonna fight me with a sword? HA!” 

“Well…. Yeah. that’s actually kinda what i was hoping for.”

“Well …so be it.” he pulled out a ballpoint pen the size of a lightpost.

He slashed the ballpoint pen across the street inadvertently creating an extra lane in the road.

I barely dodged his strike and shot a column of flame at his hand. He grimaced and clutched his hand which was now scarred with burn marks.

“What in the… what kinda sword is that!?”

“They call it, the smack of ridge crab.” I said giving him a smug smile.

“The smack of ridge crab….” he had no idea what the heck i’d just said and I’m pretty sure I heard Ryan Facepalm from behind the dumpster.

“Whatever! I will still kill you!” he thrust his pen and missed only by mere inches, if i was 10 pounds fatter i would’ve been impaled like a shish kebab.

“Oh shiz.” i said aloud, now really contemplating the risk of this situation. i took a deep breath and readied myself. i launched at him again, utilizing some of the techniques Ryan Taught me, before he had pulled his pen out of the ground i landed 2 strikes across his wrist.

“SON OF A SALES PITCH!!!” he threw up his hand avoiding a third slash.

I saw my opportunity and climbed up a telephone pole, then shot out a brilliant billowing burst of flame at him head on.

“AAAGHH!!!” he took a direct fireball to the face and fell to the floor breathing heavily.

There was a moment of silence… I had won.

“Return to the paradoxical alley, before i finish you!” I declared with a voice crack.

He looked up and snarled, I gave him my deluxe death stare and he slowly got up.

He glared at me one last time before adjusting his tie and disappearing into the alley.

I sighed with relief because truth be told I was scared out of my mind the whole time. Ryan And Lena jumped up from behind the dumpster.

“Wew…. that was close… you did good man.” Ryan said with only slight relief.

“OMG OMG OMG YOU DID IT!!!” Lena screamed.

“I mean, I really underestimated you Cage! I always thought you were just some selfish guy bent on girls and money, but it turns out that-”

“Yeah that’s cool and all but you guys got a fruit roll up or something? Oh and about that hot sister of yours…” she stared at me and I laughed.

“I’m totally messing with you!” I said sheathing my sword. “im just glad everyone’s ok.”

“Besides, i think i’m sort of getting used to all this stuff, and I think I’m getting better with my sack of fridge cabin.”

“Your sack of fridge… wuh-?” she said trying to wrap her head around the truckload of nonsense I just unloaded.

“He means Saxrijoqab.” Ryan said.

“Ooooooh.”

“Yeah, that’s what I said: stack of bridge cab.”

Ryan rolled his eyes at me.

I looked back at him with a grin.

“Ryan?”

“Yeah?”

“I think this calls for a group hug”

“No way in hell.”

“Yep. It’s happening.” and so we group hugged while Ryan struggled unsuccessfully to break free.