the Object Seer (part 1 if you like it. If it sucks than i wont do more parts so yeah.)

ok, this idea is kind of a weird one but once i thought of it, i knew i had to try it. it just seemed like a story i would be able to pull off. if your too lazy to read something more than 2 words long, turn away now. i want genuine feedback, people! enjoy.

Some people can sing.

Some people are double jointed and can bend the top part of their fingers.

some people can paint.

“some people” seem to be able to do all the cool stuff whereas the “everybody” can only dream. as of right now my life is behaving like a dream. not that its dreamy in a good way, rather it is strange.

so what can I do you may ask?

Well i can do something more strange. how do i put it…. i can talk to things.

Like if i wanted, i could start up a conversation with your Shoe. Or I could get into a heated political debate with a Cheese Grater. You might even see me start telling riddles to a Stop Sign. 

Every day of my life I listen and speak to people you normal humans deem as “inanimate objects”. its a never ending blur of unsocial social interaction.

You see, I don’t make many friends at school. And why would I want to when I’m already BFF’s with every object in my house? (except Toaster. oh how i hate Toaster…)

Why make a lifelong buddy when I’m already super tight with Fridge?

Why get a girlfriend when I can communicate with Barbie Dolls? (that was a joke don’t label me as a creep so soon!)

My name is Lamp. get all your laughs out now. No, I’m not an actual Lamp. nor do i have a, quote, “real name.”
Ok… that’s not true. I had a name. Just don’t remember it. When my foster parents found me I was just as nameless as I was a mystery. The only clue they had was that i was holding a little Toy Lamp from that Pixar short in my tiny infantile hands.

I’m sure they didn’t want to name me Lamp at first but… it stuck. That’s another reason I don’t make many friends. Try making friends when every time you have an idea someone mimes a little Light Bulb over your head.  Or when people tug at your earlobes trying to “make you glow”. 

Or just that little laugh people always do when they hear my name and think I’m joking. They always respond with something along the lines of “haha! Right. And I’m Filing Cabinet!”

But objects get it. They can’t even move, much less protest to having a name like “Boogie Board” or “LazyBoy 2000”. so i guess i just started relating to them more. not that i ever didn’t. but it wouldn’t be wrong to say that i gave up on people. not that people are bad, they just aren’t for me.

So where do we start… lets start at home. That’s where my friends are.

it was morning. roughly. the sun seemed just as asleep as the rest of us when the Alarm went off. He didn’t beep or anything, he like verbally went off on another of his typical rants.

“Darn Smartphones! Bad enough people hated me but now I’m not even needed!? Bloody millennials!!!”

He sorta has the personality of Anger from inside out.

I smiled knowingly and got out of Bed. “Good morning Alarm Clock.”

He Harrumphed and I got my clothes on.

“Good morning Shirt! Good morning Pants!”

“Morning!” said Shirt and Pants. None of the other clothes talked. (me and underpants have a silent agreement to never talk unless he is off my body)

I walked downstairs to eat breakfast. No, I can’t talk to food. That would be…quite unpleasant. Why can’t I talk to food? It probably has something to do with the fact that all food is just the dead remains of some plant or animal. in my experience, dead plants and animals don’t exactly make for good conversation.

I poured myself a Bowl of cereal.

Most of the objects I know are just named what they are. 

chair=Chair

piano=Piano 

Etc

But there are a few objects so close to my heart…they just needed names. like my spoon, for instance.

“Good morning Chandler!”

i should clarify I never use him as a spoon, that would be weird. I just have him around while I use other spoons. Which is… equally strange but it works for me. And it does for Chandler too.

I named Chandler after a character on the TV sitcom Friends. it suits him well. He has a very witty and sarcastic personality. Hes just very joke-y ya-know? Thus i named him Chandler.

“Well spank my handle and call me Judy! Is that lucky charms?” Chandler said excitedly.

I chuckled. 

“Yep.” i said. I looked around. “Hey, have you seen Chloe anywhere?”

“Uuuuuuh…no.”
“Ow! Ow! Ow!” cried a familiar voice. It seemed to be coming from under the Couch. I got down on the Floor and reached under. My fingers found that familiar square shape I knew and pulled it out. Sure enough, Chloe the Rubik’s Cube was in my hands.

“CRAMP!!! CRAMP!!!! OW!!!!”

You see, most people don’t know this, but Rubik’s Cubes get really bad cramps when you leave them unsolved for too long. It’s like if i duct-taped you into some weird yoga pose and just left you like that. its hella painful. I quickly solved her. ( Luckily I learned how to do this a few years ago. It was hard to learn but definitely worth it.)

“Woo! Thank you. That’s much better. Can you please tell your baby brother to stop doing that?” 

“Well it’s either that or he starts trying to probe the neighbors dog with my face like last month.” chandler said before shuddering at the memory “Never again….”

i didn’t want to invest more brainpower into this idea considering the strangeness of it all (and also like how tf do you transition into anything after your spoon says it probed the dog?) feedback is appreciated and im not just saying that as a way to encourage likes and praise (unless you really want to in which case i cant stop you 😉 )