Art

trigger warning: contains references to nudity, the word “boogers”, me trying to imitate that sound french/italians do that sounds kinda like “HUAW-HUAW-HUAW!”, a mild jab at the Kardashians, and a banana duct taped to a wall.

Art is amazing. It’s really just great. Especially those clay sculptors, like, they take fancy mud and they just make naked people! Talk about talent! But on the other hand, when I try that i get kicked out of JC Penny. Man, it’s a tough world. Only the truly talented get to make naked people.

Sure, women can do that too over the course of 9 months with almost no training but that’s just because they are amazing also.

I don’t understand why old sculptors were so fascinated with the most ugly naked people on the planet. It’s never anyone good looking. If you walk into an art museum it literally looks like the dead people in pompeii.
“There’s a white shriveled up person…there’s a white shriveled up person… Hey, a dog! Wait no….another shriveled up person.”

I can imagine those french renaissance artists finding auditions for their model like
“How many of le chins do you have?”
“I have le 3! HUAW HUAW HUAW!!!!” (french people obviously must do the little HUAW HUAW HUAW thing every sentence, obviously.)
“Lets talk about le noses.”
“It’s so big I once accidentally snorted a le squirrel up there.”

“Are you missing any of le limbs?”
“several.”
“…When can you le start?”

They aren’t hot, but they ARE beautiful. Sure it’s almost impossible to tell the women apart from the men but still, art.

You can use art as quite a vague excuse. Really. You can just plop a bucket of paint in someone’s hair and when the police come you can just say “i was making art.”

Police:…….i didn’t see it at first but…..it’s magnificent. This symbolizes finding yourself right?”
Artist: Sure. lets go with that. Hey! You’re pretty ugly. you mind getting naked so i can sculpt you? HUAW HUAW HUAW!”

I don’t get abstract art. In fact i’m convinced it’s all delusion. Art critics are just seeing what they want to see,

Art critic: Oh my gosh……this abstract piece totally captures my divorce.

Everyone else: I’m pretty sure that’s a banana duct taped to a wall.

Art Critic: No. it’s art.

You think I’m exaggerating? This is the ACTUAL art piece i’m talking about! It sold for 120,000 dollars!

To be fair, I do think it captures my struggle with love rather accurately. You know what, screw that. Abstract art is beautiful too.

You have to appreciate arts and crafts too though. Like, you’re taking garbage, and you’re making something beautiful. That’s like if you took a Kardashian and made an actual productive member of society.

Ok that’s quite a stretch, you could never turn a Kardashian into a productive member of society. 

Put down the glue gun, it won’t work. 

I don’t think I get any art actually. I usually either go too shallow or too deep.

I’ll see something and think “this must symbolize the struggle between man and the elements amidst the dilemma of finding oneself and the realization that life is what you make of it!”

Art teacher: nah it’s about horses being cool. Neiiiiiiigggghhhhh. 

“Well, this art piece obviously represents… pineapple.”

Art teacher: NO YOU INSOLENT SWINE!!! IT REPRESENTS THE MORALITY OF ABANDONING ONE’S FAMILY TO CREATE THEIR OWN LEGACY REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE GO GET IN THE I-DONT-UNDERSTAND-ART CORNER WITH JIMMY!!!!!!

My head starts spinning like “what? It’s- it’s a pineapple on a stool. What the hell does that- how!?”

Jimmy be over there with his head stuck in a chair.

Jimmy: aye, can i has have you gimme some help here? I done got stucked in dis here desk thingyyyyy!

What else haven’t we talked about… right! absolute garbage childrens art!

Kids drawings suck. I mean this in the most endearing way. But like, there’s no symbolism. Mona Lisa was symbolic of like a storm hidden by a sea of calm or some poetic shiz like that. But you ask a kid and they’ll be like 

“looks it’s a picture of a lion eating boogers with my dad! -obnoxious giggle-”

Da fudge does that symbolize!?

“I drew it because boogers are yummy! -obnoxious giggle-”

Now, I only bring this up, because that is what level i’m at. I can understand kids’ art. Doesn’t extend past that. I could be a professional kids art critic but no further than that.

I’m like,
“that’s an octopus?”
“BINGO!!!!! YOU IS SUCH VERY GOOD ART CRITIC! Here , you can has one of my fishy crackers.”
“-is proud of myself- thank you.”

So yeah. That’s what I think about art.