How to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich

it has come to my awareness that as helpful as my previous post “how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich” was, i have been receiving complaints from alleged stupid people that has really opened my eyes. sure, i might have been sleeping through math class but my eyes were still opened. the complaints seemed to have a general theme to them:

“we know how to make the sandwich, but how do we eat it?”

you might as well ask how to built a rocket ship. it is very hard to explain. in fact, people only learned how to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in 1901. that’s really old like, we’re talking before-americans-started-looking-like-Sid-from–Flushed-away old.

Sid from flushed away:

peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are practically prehistoric. so luckily for you, we humans have quite a lot of experience in the food-eating industry. allow me to educate you.

step one, this is a really tough one. but as long as you

A: have hands

B: can use them

and C: aren’t too high on weed to not even know where your hands went.

then you should be fine. what your gonna do is your going to grip the sandwich with both hands. your thumb should be on the bottom of the sandwich and your fingers should be on the top of the sandwich preferably not covered in gasoline. if you do that, you will end up like Sam’s older brother Ricky. (rest in peace Ricky you sly dawg :C )

one of my clients commented that this is “just like how i hold my baby! :D” to where i humorously replied with a call to child services. if you too have a similar thought, i highly recommend you keep it to yourself. now, we move on to step two.

after completing step 1, you will use your arm muscles to raise the sandwich to a little below eye level. the sandwich should be horizontal to your lips.

i know what your thinking, but no. this is not going to be a make-out session. rather, i want you to open your mouth wide in the way you would if say, someone asked if they could store their baseball between your teeth. yes! just like that. perfect. Reader, you have a very nice uvula, but please consider brushing your teeth.

now, you will move the sandwich to your mouth until it comfortably sits against the sides of your cheeks (your face cheeks! get your mind out of the gutter!) and is partially inside your mouth.

this next step is arguably the hardest and most tedious part of the process. you are going to chomp your teeth down onto the sandwich so that it is cleanly cut. if done correctly and without any loss of fingers/tongues, you should now have a small chunk of the sandwich stored in your mouth.

now, you move your jaw up and down in a sort of “up and down motion” that causes your jaw to move up and down. i hope this description is clear enough to understand. if done correctly, your teeth should start to chop the chunk (if i ever form a rock band our name is totally gonna be Chop the Chunk, omg.) (that could also be like Attila the Hun’s hipster brother: “hey Attila the Hun!” “aye! chop the chunk!!! -bro hug-“) where was i? right, it should start to Chop the Chunk (Trademark) into small little pieces. you may soon start to notice that the portion of peanut butter and jelly sandwich has started turning to mush. this is completely normal and there is no need to be afraid. (unlike that big zit on Ricky’s forehead. yeah, that was definitely an alien.) once it is in this mushy state, you may swallow it. note the word “swallow”. notice how it isn’t spelled as “breath” or “choke on”. once swallowed, repeat step 4 and all steps that follow. after that, you can just sort of let your body do its thing.

i hope this answers most of your questions. good luck in all your future sandwich-eating endeavors.