how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich

warning, if you get offended easily, or have an IQ below 1, i highly advise you turn away now.

I suppose you might be wondering some things. there are many great mysteries after all.

but i think the most relevant is thus:

how do i make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

i will show you.

Contrary to common belief of stupid people, the words “peanut” and “butter” are in fact the same ingredient. so you may now put down that stick of butter you were holding.

you weren’t holding butter? wow your so smart. another warning, if you saw the title and pulled out a jelly fish i must encourage you to go and obtain some IQ before reading further because the next steps are gonna get pretty dicey.

remove the peanut butter and the jelly jars from wherever you are keeping your peanut butter and jelly jars. if you do not have peanut butter and jelly, ABORT THE MISSION IMMEDIATELY, I REPEAT, IF YOU DO NOT HAVE PEANUT BUTTER OR JELLY, DO NOT MAKE THE SANDWICH. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SUBSTITUTE RAW EGGS FOR THOSE INGREDIENTS OR YOU WILL END UP LIKE SAM.
(rest in peace Sam)

we are now getting into the nitty gritty of the sandwich process, you must remove bread from your fridge. take the bag and resist the urge to tear it open with your teeth like a hungry spotted hyena ripping apart a gazelles lungs in the Serengeti. now you use your fingers, no! put those toes away! I SAID NO!!!!! ok, now using your fingers you must untie the twisty thing. after achieving this, proceed to count off 2 pieces of bread, it is often preferable not to use the end pieces seeing as they are the fat homeless people of the bag. symbolically speaking.

once you have obtained these 2 pieces, you may go ahead and take out the knife.

i know your probably really excited right now, but no. we are not committing homicide. what i want you to do, is i want you to carefully unscrew the cap to both the peanut butter jar, and the jelly jar. (heh, what a funny word. “jelly jar”.) now take your knife and carefully scoop some peanut butter. now spread the peanut butter on the top flat end of the bread until it is completely covered. you may draw a smiley face on it to help your crippling depression. this is purely optional of course and the smiley face has no effect on the actual taste of the sandwich. now repeat this spreading step on the other bread, but using jelly this time. now, this is the final step. do not mess up. if you mess up then you will not only have to make the sandwich again but your parents will actually put you up for adoption.

ok that last part might be exaggerated but you must understand how crucial this last step is.

take both slices of bread, and put them together so that their peanut butter and jelly sides are touching. if you wish, you may make smoochy making-out sounds while you put them together. just don’t get to raunchy with it. we don’t want any teenage sandwich pregnancies here.

basically that’s it. you have now made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. man, that’s a long sandwich name. someone should really abbreviate it. i was thinking something along the lines of “peabelly” or “pebutelly”. ok, maybe not the last one cus saying it out loud it sounds awfully close to “puberty”

mom: i packed you some puberty for lunch hope you like it
me: WHAT!?!?!

anyway, enjoy your sandwich. hope i didn’t ruin it with my bad puberty joke. now ill just drop the word “pubes” so that you never wanna eat again. ok I’m done now have fun.