birds

ok, so basically i would like to talk to you about birds.

usually i try and brainstorm for an idea then i sort of mentally plan it out.

we aint doin that shiz today. this is 100% improvised from my basement at like midnight.

i like to think of birds as the instruments of nature. i also like to think of them as the dive bombers of nature. i also think of them as “the crazy guy sitting on a frickin telephone wire and not getting electrocuted” of nature.

if you ever play tennis with someone lazy enough to forget their birdie and they ask if you have any to play with, then i think its ethically ok to randomly whip out their pet bird Michael and play with that instead.

kidding, you should never do that. unless they ever recite baby shark. anything is fair game in that scenario.

i do have a confession to make regarding birds. i have….a secret superpower. i can levitate birds.

if you like ever see a bird, like….yeeting itself through the sky like an airplane on crack, that’s me. sometimes it just happens. i cant control it. ill be sitting there with a bird that is crawling around like god intended when suddenly WOOSH! the bird is yeeted into the sky.

i have a strange way with words. like how instead of using the word “flew” and keeping it brief and sane, ill replace it with something autistic like “DA BIRD PROCEEDED TO YEET ITSELF THROUGH THE FRICKIN SKY LIKE A DRUNK HONEYBEE!!!”

i think it would be absolutely hilarious to see a bird get drunk. they’ll be all tipsy when they fly through the air like when you spin someone around really fast in a chair then tell them to go do some coordinated shiz like tight-rope-walking across the grand canyon. even their tweets will be crazy. maybe even more crazy than our presidents tweets.

theyll wake up in the morning hungover and be like “twitter tweet tweeeeeeetttt (this roughly translates to “someone kill me now”)
“caw caw cawwww tweet tweeeeeet” (“i feel like my chest was used as a wrestling mat for 2 African elephants”)

“tweet! tweeeet tweet tweeeet caw caw cawww tweet cockadoodledoo! tweet tweet tweet tweeeeettt tweeet tweet caw caw caw tweet twitter twitter tweet tweeeeet!!” (“ouch.”)